Ten years ago, I was a nine-year old child sitting across my mom at our grandparents’ house. I was listening to her tell me of how she and my dad both wanted to become lawyers and how that didn’t happen. I told her I’d do it- I’ll become a lawyer and fulfill their dream. Over the years, that dream became mine. It solidified into something that I truly want with a burning passion I reserve for very very few pursuits. I even took up a pre-law degree in college even though I have no idea of what other job prospects I might have other than law because in my mind, there’s only one thing I want to do.
I’ll be honest- I half-expected I won’t go to law school this year. After all, I only applied to two law schools- two of the best law schools in the country. I wasn’t even sure I’d get in. I applied because one of them was my dream school and the other was the best university in the Philippines. I thought that if I was going to dream, I might as well dream big. If I don’t get in, I can either try again or go to a different school. It may not be my dream school, but if I work hard, I’ll still become an attorney should I pass the bar.
Then it happened- I got an interview with the literal and figurative law school of my dreams and earlier this week, I received my acceptance in an email. I’ve been in a state of shock and euphoria for the past few days but reality has sunk in.
I’m going to law school. I’m going to be knee-deep in required readings, cases, legal annotations, codal provisions, etc. I will have to study harder than I’ve ever studied before and that will probably leave me with little time for the things I’ve always enjoyed- including fiction. The law school I’m going to is crazy expensive and I’m incredibly lucky and privileged enough that my parents are paying for it. I really want to make it worth it by studying hard since my parents are making it possible for me to go to my dream school.
The past year I’ve been running with this blog was honestly wonderful. I’ve read more than 150 books which is more than I’ve ever read before. I also got to meet and follow some amazing and outspoken people in this community and I honestly believe that my life has gotten better because of it. This blog has served to relieve me from my anxiety and stress. Sure, there were times when my mental state had been too precarious to blog but I’ve always bounced back so far and this has been a great help.
But now, I have to face one of the most difficult journeys I’ll ever take- the path to becoming a lawyer. There may be things I have to give up or significantly cut back on. I’m not going to delete this blog and undo so much work. Nor will I stop posting. I will definitely fulfill my commitments to the blog tours I’m currently part of and continue to read and review the arcs that I have.
The difference would be that I most likely would not sign up for any more blog tours and not request any more books aside from the ones I already have. Book reviews for arcs not tour related may be more sporadic and infrequent. Honestly, this is my fault and I shouldn’t have overestimated how many books I’ll be able to read. That said, I do intend on reviewing at least most of the books I have on NetGalley and Edelweiss, no matter how late it might be.
And I’ll be putting myself on a book-buying and requesting ban because the only books I’ll probably be buying are law books- which are seriously expensive.
I start law school in a few weeks and honestly, I couldn’t be more excited (excitement which is of course tempered with anxiety and a dose of oh-no-I-have-to-start-reading). This was the law school I’ve dreamed about since I was nine and I will do my hardest to stay in, no matter how difficult it might be. Law school may be famously cutthroat and arduous, but no one ever said ambition doesn’t come with a cost. If hard work, some humiliation, a loss of social life, sleep, and lack of time to do anything else but study is the price of ambition, I’ll pay it.
Imposter syndrome is a terrible thing and over the past few days, I’ve found myself questioning if I even deserve to go to law school. Or this law school in particular. I wasn’t really the smartest student in our batch and I’ll probably meet super-smart people there- people who have been overachievers for their entire lives or something. I keep wondering if I deserved my spot. In a few weeks, I’ll have that chance to prove to myself that I do.